Sunday, September 19, 2010

ROCKED -- Wedding Dress Failure, Left and Right

**Miss M here!  This is the story of my first dress shopping horror experience.  I sat down and wrote this post as soon as I got home from my dress shopping excursion, and this is what I had to say. Warning, it's long and it's not all that nice. So if you're easily offended by anything, move along...**

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My ears are ringing right now.  I am sitting here, slightly nauseous and mostly sad.  I feel like I was put to the test today in a big way.  And how did I do?  Fail.  Fail, fail, FAIL. 

I went dress shopping today.  And I can't decide if I need to cry, or just turn back the hands of time, and rip someone a new a**hole (verbally, that is).

I think I may have tried on nearly 20 dresses today.  Who knows how many women before me tried those sample dresses on--I am now stewing in the germs of all those faceless women.  Barf.  

Also, that diet I've been sticking to?  Didn't feel like it was enough today.  Although nothing seems to be enough for some of these dresses. Here's a great example, today my favorite consultant informed me that one of the dresses I hated was too slinky even for size zero women as even they are advised to wear Spanx under the gown.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that information!?  Give up?  Start looking for a nice bridal pair of blue jeans?  Elegant wedding muumuu? There is plenty of room in them, no Spanx needed!  Pretty too.

Until today I was under the impression that it's not normal, outside of models and nudists, to stand around naked with strangers.  Well, I was wrong.  Because my mom, sister, friend, and three consultants got a show today.   All in the name of finding a wedding dress!  It was totally fine for them, but wasn't fine for me. I should have said something but I didn't want to make the situation more awkward.

You know, I didn't look in the mirror at myself while I tried to squeeze my kulo into the dresses, and that's MY KULO!  There was this one dress that was really hard to pull up over my hips, and I could just picture how awful it must have looked from the consultant's perspective--I pulled the plug on that one as soon as I visualized what I must have looked like from behind. 

Watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, and even attending a few shopping excursions for wedding gowns has not, in fact, prepared me for the shopping experience.  So far, I felt like none one cared that I was shopping for a wedding dress.  No one cares if you need to try on more dresses.  No one cares if this time is special for you.  They just don't.  On any given day, there are fifteen other women in their store, that are just like you.  You're not special.  And they'll let you know it, one way or another. More on this later.

And just when I was feeling really down,  the world decided to kick me in the face.  I looked down at my phone and saw that I'd missed a call from Mr. M!  I fought back the tears and resisted the urge to throw my phone into the street.  We went to grab lunch and then, SMACK, the last jab of the day.  Just as I was refilling my salad toppings for lunch, I was reproached (rudely) by an employee--

"You're really not supposed to refill that." 

Well you know what?! Here's my salad.  In your eye! BOOM. 

Okay.  I didn't say that.  I kept filling up on veggies and told her that refills are cool at the location I regular.  She looked at me incredulously and said, "really? they are?"  They are--swear.  And you know what?  After a long day of feeling like crap about dresses, I had some snarky chick tell me to ease up on my salad toppings.  I let that get to me too--in my mind, she called me out for overeating.  The reality was, she was just doing her job, albeit she could have done without the snark. Who knows? Maybe we were both having a crummy day. 

I had to let that out.   Still not crying.  But I am not looking forward to finding a dress anymore.  And seriously, my ears are still ringing.      

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