Thursday, August 5, 2010

Taking Comments, Folks! All day...

I got another comment about our separation.  I need to say first and foremost that I understand that those that ask how I am doing or how the Bear is doing, generally mean well.  And furthermore, everyone reacts differently to each and every situation.   Not everyone will see things as I do.  BUT--

Telling me that I have "signed up for it," is not an acceptable reaction and I don't want to hear it!

Maybe I'm not making sense.  The blood has rushed to my head, and I'm trying to slow my brain down, so my fingers can catch up.  How about an example?

Well-Meaning-Friend: "Hey Mich, I heard that the Bear has deployed.  Is everything okay?"

Me: "Yeah, everything is okay.  I mean it's tough, but it will be alright."

WMF:  "Well, you better get used to it.  You guys signed up for it."

It's like comforting me with a blanket made of barbed wire.   It's like asking someone how they are doing, but not actually wanting to know.  Look, I'm not sitting at home or at work or anywhere else crying my eyes out.  My life hasn't stopped.  But dammit, it's not the easiest thing I've ever gone through, and I won't apologize for it.  I don't go into detail with strangers, or honestly with anyone right now, but a general statement like "I'm doing alright even though it's not easy" or something to that effect doesn't warrant an I told you so.  It's not an emotional outburst.  It's not a weakness.   It is exactly what I said it is: okay with a dash of difficulty.

For the record, I don't believe either one of us signed up for this.  I never imagined that the Bear was meant to be my partner.  I never believed I would ever marry anyone, let alone marry someone who for all intents and purposes is my opposite.  And as far as Bear was concerned, he thought was going to be a lifelong bachelor and career soldier.  Neither one of us expected our relationship.  Neither one of us would trade it for anything at this point, so we make it work.  But it wouldn't be fair to say that we signed up for this.  There was no "we" involved in the signing up for this deck of cards, but there is a "we" living it now.  And guess what, sometimes being a "we" going through this is hard.

And from what I gather, it doesn't get easier.  I can't fathom a day in the future when I will forget to say goodbye to my husband before he deploys because I've just become so used to it.  What I can imagine is that I'll get better at coping with it.  The comments will bother me less.  Perhaps the time will go by faster.  My friends and family will know the routine as well I as I will. 

The point is, if you don't want to know, don't ask.  I'm not crumbling or falling apart at the seams.  I promise I won't burst into tears or whatever else people may think.  But for sake of empathy, just don't tell me to get over it, get used it, or accept the life that I "signed up for."  If your intention is to comfort a friend you are way off.

Thank you, honestly, thank you for caring, thank you for asking.  We're doing fine.  Soon enough, he'll be home and we'll be getting married!  Just as soon as we get through this suckfest (kidding, sort of).


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