Feeling the Distance - Part One

With less than six months to go, I've finally decided it's time to get real and come clean.  

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I'm having trouble feeling excited about our wedding.  


So far every single decision I've made since he left has been torture.  Every. Single. Decision.  When he was here I booked our dream venue, I booked our engagement session,  booked an amazing photographer, I sketched out my wedding dress--I was on cloud nine!  And then he left.  And I stopped caring so much.  


At first I thought I just needed time to adjust to his absence.  But once I adjusted, I came to realize that it had nothing to do with that.  


First, I hate the idea of planning this big, happy, lavish event right now.  I actually feel pretty guilty about it.  He's far far away from my little world of wedding planning.  And as much as he tells me that he's fine, it doesn't change the fact that he's technically living in a war zone.  So when I am faced with a decision about the wedding, like my dress for example, I have trouble focusing on it and tackling the issue because it doesn't feel as important to me.  

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He's my partner in crime, he's the one I turn to when I need reassurance.  I know that he always has my back and wants me to be happy.  And when you're planning a wedding on your own, you need more than a long distance cheerleader, you need a full on, in your face squad.  And the only way to really get that, is to speak up.  But I don't speak up, because I don't want to seem weak or needy.  Sometimes I don't feel like explaining that something is difficult because it makes that thing, whatever it is, that much harder.

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It's not much fun to talk about the wedding when you don't have much time to talk about anything.  This blog is my way of keeping the Bear in touch, but for the past few months he hasn't been able to read much of it.  I suppose he doesn't need to read a blog about our wedding to understand what's going on but have you ever tried to describe elements of your wedding to someone outside the wedding blogosphere?  How about explaining wedding related things to your fiance, in person?  Now put him on the phone, thousands of miles away, and shorten your entire conversation to about fifteen minutes. Of all the things I have to  talk about, our wedding and how I feel about it, takes a backseat.

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When your date is set and yet somehow still a little up in the air, it's hard to get excited about the wedding countdown.  This is our year!  July is our month--fingers crossed!  All the uncertainty makes me a little hesitant to get excited.  First I told myself I'd get really excited when we hit 2011.  Then I decided I would get excited once Spring rolls around. Or maybe I'll be really excited when he gets back?


Some would say that I'm really lucky, and most days I would agree.   But on my off days (and today is an off day) I realize that I'm not enjoying this as much as I could and it hurts.  I try to stop myself and look at every positive that is going to come to me very soon.  Sometimes, all I need is a glass of wine, some friends, and reality TV.  Sometimes, I write about it.  Whatever it takes, right?




Have you planned a wedding while your partner was far away?  Need to vent?  Let it out in the comments.